The Giving Tree and Stumps

It’s December and the season of giving.  It surrounds us during the holidays.  Everywhere we turn, there’s a message about giving. We throw ourselves into a frenzy at times to buy gifts for those special people in our lives. The Salvation Army rings bells. Churches take up special donations and schools adopt needy families.  PBS gives us amazing Christmas shows only to interrupt our viewing pleasure by asking for donations to show our appreciation . . . well actually that happens year round, doesn’t it? 

In reality, we are expected to give year round and I have to admit that sometimes the asking gets old, unnerves me, and frequently makes me feel like a jerk for saying no.  For example, every time I go through the line at Whole Foods, I am asked, “Would you like to donate your bag refund to  (blah, blah, blah – the charity of THEIR choice?)”   I bring my bag so that I can save trees and avoid a bag charge. That was the purpose of starting the whole “bring your own bag” thing so now I’m supposed to bring my bag and let you charge me so that you can give money for a tax deduction?  That doesn’t seem right and it sometimes makes me downright nasty in the checkout line . . . the poor cashier. 

And then there’s St. Jude’s Hospital.  They seem to be everywhere, especially at Christmas.  I usually give at least one time but then I am asked every single time I ever buy anything anywhere I go where a store is participating, which seems like it’s everyone.  Wouldn’t you love to have their marketing director at your place of business?  To top it off, I always end up feeling guilty and like a heel saying no to St. Jude’s even though I’ve already given because who doesn’t love Marlo Thomas/That Girl and want to help children who are sick? Shopping and guilt should never go together in my mind but St. Jude’s,  you are doing it to me. . . LOL.  Even the IRS chimes in and asks us to give more than we have to because after you’ve given them your taxes; they ask you if you want to give money to the next presidential campaign.  For me, it’s hard to understand how the act of giving graduated to a marketing/tax shelter event that in reality seems to miss the boat entirely with what genuine giving is all about.

This year, our family has been the recipient of genuine giving and perhaps being in that position is what has made some of the other “giving” I just described so irritating to me.  My daughter’s house caught on fire in May and in July, a close family friend sustained a spinal cord injury in an accident.  In both of these cases, the true gift this Christmas is that both of these young people are still alive.  For this, we are all eternally grateful.  But the outpouring of giving, financially and emotionally, in both cases, is like nothing I’ve ever seen and to me, represents the true act of giving. 

Acts like: 

• prayers, prayers, and more prayers….continual prayers;
• ongoing  letters and notes of support;  
• sincere questions like, “what can I do?”
• collections of clothes, gift cards, anything that was needed,
• organizing anything that needed to be organized or taking care of business that was immensely time consuming,
• true concern shown in questions like, “how are they doing?” months after the initiating event.

This is giving, real giving. Mother Teresa said “Give, but give until it hurts.” That’s a really big order. What did she really mean? If you go back and read the story behind that quote, Mother Teresa was talking about sacrificial giving – not Whole Foods giving or even Salvation Army giving.  Sacrificial giving is going the extra mile when it makes your journey longer and more inconvenient.  It’s giving something that you really want to hold on to and aren’t quite ready to let go off.  It’s giving that $100 that you truly need in your budget.  It’s taking the time to pray for someone when you could be doing something that’s centered on your own desires or pleasures.  I saw that in the people who cared and are still caring and giving to my daughter and her family and Thomas and his bride, Natalie. How many of us really do this?  It’s something to think about as we begin our frenzy of holiday giving . . . what is true giving and what does it look like in our daily lives?

Obviously, giving is not just financial – every day we are asked to give in our relationships. Relationship giving is the other lesson that has been smacking me over the head this year.  I’m going to fully disclose up front that this seems to be the harder lesson in giving for me and I don’t really know that the answers are as clear as with the Mother Teresa quote.  How much are we required to give in relationships before we are taken advantage of or stripped of important needs for our own self-preservation, peace, and joy?  I’ve always been a “give til it hurts” relationship person and it hasn’t always worked out well for me.

When my kids were little, I discovered a Shel Silverstein book called, The Giving Tree.  The parable is about a tree that loves a little boy.  Every day, the little boy comes to the tree, eats its apples, swings from its branches, and sleeps in its shade. The tree loves the little boy, the boy loves the tree, and they are both happy.  

But as the boy grows older, the boy asks more of the tree, the tree continues to give but the tree isn’t happy anymore. The happiness came from two-way giving, two-way sharing, and two-way receiving.  It was reciprocal.  The boy keeps taking until the tree is cut down to a stump.  The parable is supposed to be about the gift of giving and the serene acceptance of another’s capacity to give (taken directly from the inside cover of book); but one day when I was reading this book to my kids, I got stuck at the stump part. I remember veering from the storyline  and saying aloud . . . “oh my God, I am the stump.” 

That book has been on our bookshelf since 1986 but I’m not sure I ever read it to my kids again because shortly after that “aha” day, I realized that I would never be able to serenely accept my husband’s incapacity to give and our marriage ended in divorce. 

The message of that book has rolled around in my brain for nearly 30 years now. Most likely, we all have found ourselves in relationships that require lopsided giving.  It is better to give than to receive, right? The challenge for me in all of these relationships has been to maintain the tenets of my faith but change or end the relationship before I’m the stump.  The Giving Tree parable ends with the boy, who is now an old man, coming back to the tree stump because he doesn’t need much anymore except a place to sit.  The tree is happy and content again.  I admit that the parable of The Giving Tree was lost on me because I just didn’t want to be the stump who was happy to just have someone sit on me.  Sorry Shel.

So back to this year.  Would Mother Teresa have applied her words, “give until it hurts” to relationships as well?  We are called to love and to show it by giving patience and kindness.  We are called to rejoice in truth not unrighteousness and we aren’t supposed to focus on hurts or wrongs that are suffered.  We are taught that love bears, believes, hopes and endures all things.  We are also taught that love is not jealous or arrogant and that it doesn’t seek its own or act unbecomingly.  What happens when you are the giving and loving one and you run into the one who is exhibiting all those things that love and giving are not? What are we called to do when we run into a person who will cut you down to a stump and won’t even come back to sit on you except to gloat?   And what if that person is a member of our family? Can we walk away from those relationships and still be a person of faith with a clear conscience?

Admittedly, my thoughts on this are sometimes murky at best because they are mired in very deep emotions.  I don’t profess to have it figured out, but I try to walk through these problems with balance and fairness.  Everyday in my office, I counsel kids who are givers and kids who are takers.  I do my best to teach them the tenets of character (and in my mind’s eye…faith) that will help them grow to be an adult who is able to give and love in genuine ways.  But I also have to teach them how to navigate life without becoming a stump that has nothing to give because everything has been taken from them – tough line to walk. 

It’s a fact that the world is full of givers and takers – in childhood and in adulthood.  The sad reality is that there are broken people in the world who may always remain broken but I don’t believe we are called to fix them or enable them to continue being takers.  For some people, giving more will not teach them to give – it only gives them the opportunity to take more.  For me, this is one of the most difficult facts of life to accept because I’m a fixer at heart.  I want to be surrounded by all the joys of life and I want everyone that I love to experience that as well. 

Even though 2013 has been a year of some pretty significant losses, it has also been a year of love, laughter, joy, and many opportunities to watch God’s miracles unfold.  Thank you to everyone who has been part of the miracle and who have said yes to giving generously.  Some of those miracles reminded me that we miss so much when we don’t keep our eyes and hearts  open to seeing and believing but rather get bogged down in some of the sadness of life.   During this Advent season, may you be blessed with the vision of a child’s eyes, the joy that abides in the heart of a true giver, and the peace that comes from always trying to do your best with those you encounter.

By the way, if you google “The Giving Tree,” lots of things come up that are kind of interesting.  First of all, this picture comes up that is NOT in the book.  The thought about loving him more than she loved herself has been added by someone to the original artwork and it wasn’t part of Shel Silverstein’s verse.

Oddly enough, while doing this “after the thought/writing” research for this blog, I discovered a brand new song  released about a month ago by the Plain White T’s that mirrors my “stump aha moment.” I don’t feel so badly now about missing Shel’s point of the book in 1986….LOL – at least I’m not the only one.  And I'm not the only mom who read the book to her kids.  Here is a link to the video of the song (sorry for the ad).  

 If all you wanted was love

Why would you use me up

Cut me down, build a boat, and sail away

When all I wanted to be was your giving tree

Settle down, build a home, and make you happy?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8wGhqtWR4uo

Is it possible to be "a giving tree" and be happy?  Of course it is, but as you can see from this beautiful necklace, only if you are full and complete with your leaves, apples, branches, and roots because that's really the only time you can truly give.

If you’ve never read The Giving Tree, here is a link to a video of the entire book, rather nicely done:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HWNWnm3IX2M#t=41

And here is a link to the online donation site for St. Jude's.  I love St. Jude's and over the years, we have had some students who were recipients of their research and generosity.  If you didn't know it, they don't bill children for their services so all donations go 100% to care and research. It's really a great hospital to donate to.  

https://shop.stjude.org/GiftCatalog/donation.do?cID=14262&pID=24671

And you have to love the way Marlo carries on her dad's work so gallantly. Here's a video of Marlo and Jimmy Fallon and the kids at St. Jude's - precious:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/12/01/jimmy-fallon-st-judes_n_4351874.html

Are Fathers Really that Important?

It's the day before Father's Day and I have been so consumed with helping my first-born get back on her feet and then getting my other 750 children (who in real life belong to someone else) out the door for summer vacation, that I have not had time to buy a Father's Day card for any of the fathers whom I hold dear.  So I guess at this point, other than Fed Ex, what choice do I have but to blog.

I am the mother of three amazing adult children.  We have had our difficult years.  There have been years when I knew not one of them really wanted to honor me on Mother's Day because in the moment, they actually wanted to give me the title "Bitch of the Year and Why Don't You Get Out of my Business." To them, and to others who viewed me from the outside, I probably appeared to be a mom who really didn't think fathers were important but that is so far from the truth.  I knew as I was raising my children alone how important fathers were but I often was forced to describe my parenting experience as dragging my kids up a very steep mountain with their birth father at the top, throwing boulders down at us.  For whatever reasons or circumstances, I'm sad to say that as a mom, I was frequently disappointed with the quality of fathering that my children got from the one man who was supposed to be their nurturer, protector and their knight in shining armor, especially my girls.  And one of the reasons was most likely because of the high expectations I had thanks to my own knight in shining armor, my father.

My father was the one who got all the love and honor and respect and CREDIT from a little girl even when he might not have deserved it.  My poor mother who really did most of the work of raising us, frequently was standing there in the dust while he strolled in as the hero.  But in the eyes of this little girl, he did deserve it.  He was handsome, strong, smart, funny, silly, wise, and I would jump through any hoop for his attention.  He had his flaws but it was all outweighed by those times that he stopped to hug me or call me punkin' or teach me how to do something.  He was my encourager.  He set the highest standards for me in every area of existence and if I disappointed him, it was like a knife to my heart.

He transferred many gifts and talents to me and I see them living on today in my children.  These are some of the things he modeled for me when I was a little girl.

• He could always talk to anyone and no one was a stranger.  He had the gift of gab and blarney as my Scots-Irish grandmother said.  We sat at a restaurant table many times without my father because he was walking around the room saying hello to everyone - not that he knew everyone, but he made new friends and acquaintances everywhere.  My mother's consistent statement at a restaurant was always, "Where's your dad?"
• He was a writer and an amazing improv speaker.  He spoke in front of the church and 40+ years worth of middle school students and never had a moment where he looked nervous.  
• He was a helper.  He was the original Good Samaritan and he would stop and help anyone along the road who looked like they might have qualified for the verse in Matthew that says, " whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me."  
• He genuinely cared about people and I always watched him asking more questions than he did telling people about himself.  Even in his 80s, he still works with kids at the juvenile delinquency facility in our hometown.  He told me not long ago, "there are no juvenile delinquents, only delinquent parents."  He has always been appalled at people who don't take parenting seriously. 
• He loved traveling and discovering new things.  We had the most fantastic family vacations every year that any kid could want.  He wasn't afraid to take the "scenic routes" even though my mother was afraid of two-lane highways.  And there was usually some far away family member that was included in our trip.  Sunday mornings, no matter where we were, included church.  
• He was a singer and loved music.  He was always in the church choir and many of those family vacations involved listening to him sing "This Is My Father's World" (over and over again). He (and my mother) provided me with lessons on the piano, the organ, the accordion, the guitar and then set up impromptu recitals whenever friends and family arrived.  He always encouraged me and my best friend, Jayne, to sing in church - until we started rewriting the lyrics to popular music.  "Listen, Why Don't You Listen," seemed to curbed his enthusiasm for our talent shows in church....LOL.
• He played and romped with us.  I'm sure he has some back problems today, simply because of the horse back rides we insisted on as children.
• He was a daredevil and a bit impulsive. I remember seeing him swing on the rafters of a barn when I was in college and the next words out of his mouth were, "don't you dare tell your mother."
• He read, usually religious books and his Bible, and he prayed.  My dad is one of the most eloquent prayer givers I know.  His prayers are sincere and instructional and as a little girl, I understood humbling yourself before God, simply because of my dad.

Most of these things, with the exception of the last, made my mother really mad and yet we knew that these things endeared him to her just as they did to me and my siblings.

When I was three, my father wrote a short essay for a college class entitled  A Life with Value.  He really had it figured out when I was a little girl, and his dedication to fathering me has rarely disappointed me.  He wrote:

"In considering some of the things that make my life good to live, I find it difficult to limit to a few specific points.  However, if I consider first things first, I cannot overlook my happy childhood and family relationships.  To me, there could be no more ideal childhood than growing up with four brothers on a farm.  Although we suffered from many fears and material wants, I can see that it may have been good for all of us.  A part of this happy life was the role of the church and Sunday School which is now an essential part of all our lives.  To bring this up to my present day living is of course my own little family.  I could never before have been made to believe that a little curly-haired girl would have taken so big a place in my life and heart as that of our three-year-old daughter.  Parents who set out thoughtfully to guide a child toward useful ways of living and toward ever deepening and enriching values, have embarked on a great adventure.  Nothing could be more rewarding."

So back to my original question . . . are fathers really that important?  In today's world, you hear so many answers and excuses to this question.  From a little girl who had one of the greatest and a mom who climbed the mountain dodging the boulders, my opinion is that they are....if they figure out their own importance early on as mine did. But if a father doesn't recognize the true importance of his role of leading, guiding, and modeling early in his children's lives, so much is lost. They are the first man a little girl falls in love with.  They are the role models that little boys want to grow up to be.  They are something that moms cannot be no matter how hard they try.  What an amazing job if a father chooses to do it.

So this Father's Day, I want to honor some very special fathers in my life who do understand their importance and who take their jobs seriously.  

• To my own father, Richard Wyant: I could say thank you for being my father a million times over and it would never express what is in my heart.  Thank you for taking on the "adventure" and for being so serious about it. I am so blessed and my life has been so enriched. Whether you realize it or not, you are so woven into the tapestry that is me, that I often don't know where you end and I start.

A Dad's tenderness with his first-born

Richard and Betty Wyant with the curly-haired girl.

My dad always told me, "he who laughs, lasts" and so this is one of my favorite pictures.  It embodies the "fun" that my dad has always had with kids.  Here, he and Logan are yucking it up about something that was probably very silly in content but created a great grandfather/grandson moment.

• To my husband, Greg Jansen: You are the father to my children that I dreamed of.  You stepped in at the most difficult time of their lives, the teen years, and you earned your stripes.  You wished that you would have known what it was like to raise twins with me and darn it if God didn't grant you your wish!  You are the most amazing grandfather and you are living proof that DNA frequently has nothing to do with being a father or grandfather.

BopBop with Lulu

BopBop and Logan rowing in Central Park

The picture says it all.

•  To our son, Tyson Wyant:  One of my biggest joys in life is watching you as you father Alexander and Adaryn.  When you were a little boy, you told me that you weren’t sure you really wanted to be a father (this was after Torie broke up with you because of your disagreement on the number of children you should have.)  I’m so happy that you took my advice on this matter.  You are an amazing father.  You are calm, assured, strong, funny, consistent, and dedicated.  But most of all, you are a man of faith and you are teaching your children daily about the most important father of all.  I’m so proud of you and of the way you have grown and matured into someone who can be counted on for the most important things in life.

On the porch swing, just chillin' with Xander

Two dads enjoying the cousin love 

Adaryn already knows her Papa is the best

•   To my brother, Andrew:  You are the poster boy for second chances.  You owe Jill a debt of gratitude for much of the parenting that happened while you were in med school and after because you have some amazing children in Levi, Haviland and Zoe.  Now, you can truly be proud because you have stepped up to the plate and are a serious dad.  You are an amazing example of the restorative powers of our heavenly father – he can build so much from the ground up.  I am so proud of you and the family you have created with Krystal.

Andy and Jude

Andy with two of his girls

·      To my sons-in-law, Don Chenault and Matthew Taylor:  I’m so proud of you both.  Don, you made a conscious decision to be a father to that first set of twins and Matt, becoming a father was probably the farthest thing from your mind at the time, but look at how both of you have become amazing fathers and parenting partners.  I know that you both are supportive of my daughters and that this support and respect will go far as your children grow to adulthood.  One of the most important things a father can give his children is respect for their mother and I see this in your relationships.  Thank you for that and so much more.  I love you both.

New Daddy, Matt with Amelie

Matt and Amie at the Lake

Don with the boys

·        To our co-grandparent in Michigan, Gary Zmuda:  I’ve known from the first time you set foot in my  KinderCare office with your darling little Natalie on your knee until the day we watched our children unite in marriage, that you took your vocation as a father most seriously.  How blessed we are to have known each other for such a long time.  Thank you for raising such an amazing daughter and mother to our grandchildren.  Thank you for welcoming our son into the Zmuda family. But most of all, thank you for the love, care and “grandparent awe” that you bestow on our little Buster and Birdie on such a regular basis.  Greg and I know that you are there when we can not be and that when you hug them, you are hugging them for us too.  That’s pretty rare and such a gift.

The wonder of childhood

·        To our other co-grandparent in Atlanta, Bill Chenault:  Bill, because of the recent house fire, I’ve was reminded of what a constant presence and protector you have been for our daughter over the years since she moved to Atlanta.  I’m so thankful for the love and care and surefootedness you provide for her and our grandchildren.  Knowing that they are all cared for so tenderly makes being away from them all just a little easier.

These are all important fathers . . . not just because they are in my family but because they have as my father said, “set out thoughtfully to guide a child.”  They have embraced the adventure and they show up everyday.  I'm thankful for you all as are the children you father.  My prayer is that all fathers everywhere discover their importance and sign up for the adventure.  Happy Father’s Day!

And When You Walk Through the Fire . . .

I remember the first time I said to myself, "Life just doesn't get any better than this."  It was an autumn afternoon and I was curled up on the ugliest green plaid sofa in the world, napping with my newborn, Brittany Elizabeth.  We were the only ones in the house and I remember whispering those words.  It's one of those mom moments that never go away and for me, they are always right there on the tip of my brain even as I am looking at my fully grown children.  Last Thursday, Brittany and I were spooned up together on the sofa just like that autumn afternoon and I still whispered,  "Life just doesn't get any better than this."  Can life get better than holding your 32-year-old daughter after she's escaped a horrible house fire?  I certainly believed when I held her infant self that life couldn't get any better, but seven days ago, I fully realized that it can. How thankful I am for her safety (and the safety of my grandchildren).

I've always been afraid of fire.  When I was in elementary school, I woke up one morning and joined my father in our "family" bathroom (the one without an electrical outlet - family story) and he told me that the little boy I sat next to at school had died when his house caught on fire the night before.  I was mortified that things like that could happen to children.  To make matters worse, I went to school and our teacher handily "announced" that Marshall wouldn't be coming to school anymore because he died in a house fire. Then she asked me to clean out his desk.  These are not the imaginings of a woman many years from the fourth grade....this is how our teacher handled the loss of one of our classmates.  Perhaps this is one of the reasons why I became a school counselor - blunt trauma in the fourth grade.

Add to this, the stories of my father and his brothers who reminisced about the house fires that they lived through as children. My Grandmother Wyant lived through watching two of her houses burn to the ground because the "bucket brigade" couldn't get to their home in the Indiana Beech Hills fast enough.  The Wyant brothers have turned the house fires into a family joke about my Uncle Denny.  The story is that my Grandmother told Denny to run to the neighbor's to tell them that "the house is on fire."  As he ran out of the house toward the neighbor's house, he looked back and yelled at my Grandmother saying,  "Hey mom....our house is on fire too!"

Fast forward to the late 80's when my parents lost their house to a fire.  This was the time that I thought my mom would surely divorce my dad.  He had been draining the gasoline out of one of his antique tractors on a chilly May evening when he received a phone call from a neighbor to return a borrowed coffee pot.  It had to be returned immediately.  I'm sure my dad thought that this woman was a complete nag at the moment, but in reality, returning the coffee pot saved his life.  Shortly after he left, the fumes combusted and a fireball shot through the house.  I got a middle of the night phone call from my mom telling me "the house burned down." The week following was full of emotion and working sifting through the rubble that used to be our home.

Now I'm helping my daughter live through the same sadness and loss that my mother and grandmother lived through and I'm realizing that twins are not the only thing that "runs" in our family.  And I'm not talking about fires.  I'm talking about circumstances that are recognized as small miracles, not coincidence.  And strength, tenacity, and an optimistic attitude that nurtures gratitude and the ability to see the glass as half full....not half empty. My Grandmother told me that something good always comes out of every circumstance, even house fires. 

In the last week, I've watched my daughter move from a near fetal position on the sofa of her neighbor to an upright position that involves moving forward one step at a time - and the world is much brighter than it was one week ago tonight.  She's thinking about all of the good things that will come from this loss and all of the strength and character she will have as a result of it.  She feels she's changed forever, and I'm sure she is.

After three days of making an inventory of everything that was in the house, the last place to sift through were the family picture albums.  Not many were left, but I walked out with a picture of one of the first ultrasounds of the little twins.  I was reminded that my daughter brought these little ones to this house and created a wonderful childhood for them.  I know she'll do it again with the same style and grace as the first time.....but with a little more wisdom and knowledge of what it means to fight for your family with the help and support of friends, family, and God.

When thou shalt pass through the waters, I will be with thee, and the rivers shall not cover thee: when thou shalt walk in the fire, thou shalt not be burnt, and the flames shall not burn in thee.
Isaiah 43:2

God, and family, and friends aren't waiting for us at the END of the waters, but walking through it with us. What a beautiful promise. 

Thank you to everyone who has helped my daughter and grandchildren whether it is with prayers offered up, food, clothes, transportation, money, time, smiles, hugs, or words of encouragement.  The last week was manageable because of your support.  It will be paid forward.

“Nothing you do for children is ever wasted.”

― Garrison Keillor, Leaving Home

Dylan, Logan and Carson at the zoo

Lindsey and Carson

Brittany with Dylan and Carson

Dylan with his best bear

Lindsey at her recital on the Saturday after the fire

Lindsey seems to live to dance

Chillin' Dylan at the hotel swimming pool

Sheryl Sandberg...."Lean In" to Our Young Girls

An open letter from a school counselor to the COO of Facebook:

Dear Ms. Sandberg,

I love Facebook, but we are at a very important crossroad with the use of social media and our children, especially our girls. As a school counselor, I have seen the source of peer problems between children change from notes and whispers within the walls of the classroom to the feeds and photos of Facebook. Their Facebook interactions may happen at home through computers, video games, and cell phones but the negative behavior and comments fester and eventually end up in the classroom, becoming one more thing that teachers, counselors and administrators have to address.

Have you perused the pages of our young people on Facebook? If you haven’t, I encourage you to do so. These are some of the things you will find: 

• language that is degrading, racist, and sexist, 
• pictures of young girls in sexy poses with comments from their friends regarding their sexiness, 
• videos and pictures that would be considered pornographic in any other setting, 
• children “liking” drugs, alcohol, guns, and other negative activities that can bring kids down rather than bolstering them and preparing them for the world of adulthood, (*please see comment below regarding the "liking" of guns)
• continuous cyberbullying that leads to maladaptive coping strategies like cutting
• chat feeds of students online during school hours when they are supposed to be engaged in learning.  

Why are we not talking about the everyday culture that is shaping the behavior of young people who lack emotional regulation, impulse control, and maturity.

When we talk about children in public schools not achieving and their barriers to learning, do we talk about the effects of social media? And why not?

If you look at the pages of your Facebook users, you will find that of the 20 million minors who used Facebook in 2011, 7.5 million were younger than 13, (in spite of the terms of service requirement) and more than 5 million were 10 and under....most of their accounts were largely unsupervised by parents." (Consumer Reports June 2011). Why isn't there a national conversation going on about this? 

Yes, Facebook does have some safety and security measures in place. But I've pushed the Facebook "report buttons" many times only to see nothing happen. I've helped kids deactivate accounts only to see them return. I've informed our parents only to see them overwhelmed even when they try to monitor. We need measures that work. . . . not just measures that “look” like something is being done. 

Ms. Sandberg, this can no longer be passed off as solely a problem for parents and teachers to deal with. As mothers, grandmothers, and educators, we are asking for your help and leadership. We are at risk of losing a generation of children through unregulated social media. Please take the lead as a woman, a mother, and a leader in power to make Facebook a safe and positive place for our children.  

Until you and your company take your own advice and “lean in” to the issues that your product is creating for those of us in the trenches of educating and parenting, even the best of your ideas will not take root.

Sincerely,

Melinda Wyant Jansen, M.S.

School Counselor

Escuela Vieau K8

*It has been pointed out to me by one gun owner that guns are not necessarily negative activities. To clarify, the list that I gave included guns because of a public post by an underage student who paired his "liking" of guns (picture was not a BB gun) with many references to marijuanna, cannibis, and cash.  His page also showed a video of him jumping out of a window as if he was running from the police. While I am not a gun owner, I have nothing against responsible gun owners "liking" guns in their homes or on their Facebook pages.  I do however have a problem with underage children putting together a digital footprint that gives the wrong impression of who they really are and could possibly cause them unjust attention from the law or deny them access to academic opportunities or employment that would help further them toward a successful life.  Children are by definition impulsive, impressionable, and lacking judgment regarding the consequences that might come about due to postings in social media. That's why I believe we need to do a better job of educating and protecting them when it comes to social media and the effect that it can have on their lives.  I hope this clarifies rather than offends anyone else. 

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"Show some leadership for the next generation of women today"

My Very Special Daughters

Yesterday was my birthday.....I have to share what my daughters shared with me because I love it and sometimes we need to feel good about all of our years of mothering.

Brittany Chenault

Yesterday at 9:31am · 

• Today is my mom's birthday & I want to stop and embarrass her for a second since I am 6 states away. Why I have a great mom: She supports & loves me no matter what, but corrects me if I am wrong. She works 15 hr days counseling children in the inner city & sees the beauty in every child; she changes their lives. She writes beautifully & she cooks well. She loves God, she forgives, she listens, she learns lessons, & she has taught me, my brother & sister to be ourselves no matter what anyone thinks. She taught us to love others. She has taught me not to deal with bullcrap & she has taught me that I should be the type of woman who pushes through even when things suck. She tells me not to be scared. She always says "You can do it, Britty!" She taught me that my big mouth can serve a purpose when there is injustice and to always stand up when something is wrong. She is always my cheerleader. Every day.
  I love you, Mom. I just wanted everyone to be jealous for a second. Heehee! Don't be mad! Happy Birthday!

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  • You, Ashli Jansen, Zoë Wyant, Rhea Parks-Smith and 10 others like this.
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    Ashli Jansen Couldn't have said it better myself! I love our mommyyyyyy

    Yesterday at 9:52am via mobile · Unlike · 2
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    Brittany Chenault I know, isn't she, Ash? I yell at her sometimes and then I think DAMMIT!!!!! She is probably right! I feel like a sub par version of her.

    Yesterday at 9:55am · Unlike · 2
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    Ashli Jansen We all are! I've learned to accept it tho. Lol

    Yesterday at 9:57am via mobile · Unlike · 2