Monday, April 21, 2014

Certifiably Crazy Urban Squirrels

I know that my most recent post was about choosing JOY and being on the lookout for everyday things that can give us joy, but today I'm having a little problem with urban squirrels and that seems to be having a negative effect on my joy factor.

We have this amazing porch off of our bedroom that I love to live on.  It's my morning porch and to me, it's one of the best places in my house.  The morning sun peeks up over the rooftops and floods onto the porch and through our bedroom windows.  It's the closest thing I have to a treehouse but the problem is, I have to share it with urban squirrels. 

So can someone please explain urban squirrels to me? Two years ago, I went on a trip with my 8th graders to NYC and after traveling all night on a bus with wide-awake teens, I decided to catch up on the sleep I had lost by snoozing on my morning porch. The varmints had literally taken over in the four days that I had been gone and they were obviously unhappy that I was back on their playground.  

All I wanted to do was sleep and my z-z-z-s were continually interrupted by a gang of squeaking, chattering, chit-chatty, ADHD squirrels that were playing a game of "take back our hood."  This gang of fuzzy-tailed thugs kept sneaking up to my chair, surrounding me and then cursed in their squirrel chatter to each other as if to say, "What the #?!* is wrong with this human?  Do we have to stuff her in our jaws and store her away for winter to get her to leave?" 

Repetitive shooing was futile.  Within minutes, they returned.  Eventually, one of them decided to go all postal on me and he jumped down from the eve of the roof within inches of my chair shreeking in his crazy squirrel language.  What kind of nuts do urban squirrels eat that make them so aggressive and obnoxious? It's like a squirrel mafia with definite boundary issues! A few years ago, one of these urban squirrels was gutsy enough to stop a White Sox game. Check this short video out:

                    Crazy Urban Squirrel takes over Baseball Game

Fast forward. These crazy possessed squirrels with personality disorders continue to be a constant issue on our beloved morning porch. One morning this winter, Amélie woke me up to look at a squirrel that had his little squirrel nose smashed up against the bedroom window as he peered in with his beady little eyes. Amélie shouted as she shook me, "Nonna, that squirrel just tried to jump through the window and he looks like he's really mad. I think he has an anger problem." Sure enough, the thump that had initially startled me from sleep had been this crazed squirrel, perhaps the leader of the squirrel gang that had accosted me on that May morning two years ago. Was I now to believe that the morning porch and their trees were suddenly not adequate housing for these crazy rats with furry tails? Was the plan now to take over our entire house? 

Back to why my joy factor has been negatively affected today . . first really nice day of the season....70 degrees. . . sunny . . . perfect morning porch weather. Dewinterizing the morning porch is the first task.  And this is what I found.  $200 worth of canvas covers for the porch furniture that has been destroyed by unionized urban squirrels who evidently think the world is their oyster and they will take whatever they want.

Where are Rocky and Bullwinkle when you need them? I'm sure they could handle these squirrel bullies.

Looking for the joy here and laughing at myself! 

Moral of the story: when a mean and angry squirrel who is tired of living in the elements throws himself into your window as an expression of his squirrel misery, take him seriously or he will dine on your canvas and punish you for your inhospitable attitude and lack of compassion for his lot in life. Next year, the porch furniture goes into the garage and I really think the squirrels should retire to the country. 

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