It’s December and the season of giving. It surrounds us during the holidays. Everywhere we turn, there’s a message about
giving. We throw ourselves into a frenzy at times to buy gifts for those
special people in our lives. The Salvation Army rings bells. Churches take up
special donations and schools adopt needy families. PBS gives us amazing Christmas shows only to
interrupt our viewing pleasure by asking for donations to show our appreciation
. . . well actually that happens year round, doesn’t it?
In reality, we are expected to give year round and I have to
admit that sometimes the asking gets old, unnerves me, and frequently makes me
feel like a jerk for saying no. For
example, every time I go through the line at Whole Foods, I am asked, “Would
you like to donate your bag refund to (blah,
blah, blah – the charity of THEIR choice?)” I bring my bag so that I can save trees and
avoid a bag charge. That was the purpose of starting the whole “bring your own
bag” thing so now I’m supposed to bring my bag and let you charge me so that
you can give money for a tax deduction?
That doesn’t seem right and it sometimes makes me downright nasty in the
checkout line . . . the poor cashier.
This year, our family has been the recipient of genuine
giving and perhaps being in that position is what has made some of the other
“giving” I just described so irritating to me.
My daughter’s house caught on fire in May and in July, a close family
friend sustained a spinal cord injury in an accident. In both of these cases, the true gift this
Christmas is that both of these young people are still alive. For this, we are all eternally grateful. But the outpouring of giving, financially and
emotionally, in both cases, is like nothing I’ve ever seen and to me, represents the true act of giving.
Acts like:
- prayers, prayers, and more prayers….continual prayers;
- ongoing letters and notes of support;
- sincere questions like, “what can I do?”
- collections of clothes, gift cards, anything that was needed,
- organizing anything that needed to be organized or taking care of business that was immensely time consuming,
- true concern shown in questions like, “how are they doing?” months after the initiating event.
Obviously, giving is not just financial – every day we are
asked to give in our relationships. Relationship giving is the other lesson that
has been smacking me over the head this year.
I’m going to fully disclose up front that this seems to be the harder
lesson in giving for me and I don’t really know that the answers are as clear
as with the Mother Teresa quote. How
much are we required to give in relationships before we are taken advantage of
or stripped of important needs for our own self-preservation, peace, and
joy? I’ve always been a “give til it
hurts” relationship person and it hasn’t always worked out well for me.
When my kids were little, I discovered a Shel Silverstein
book called, The Giving Tree. The parable is about a tree that loves a
little boy. Every day, the little boy
comes to the tree, eats its apples, swings from its branches, and sleeps in its
shade. The tree loves the little boy, the boy loves the tree, and they are both
happy.
But as the boy grows older, the
boy asks more of the tree, the tree continues to give but the tree isn’t happy
anymore. The happiness came from two-way giving, two-way sharing, and two-way
receiving. It was reciprocal. The boy keeps taking until the tree is cut
down to a stump. The parable is supposed
to be about the gift of giving and the serene acceptance of another’s capacity
to give (taken directly from the inside cover of book); but one day when I was
reading this book to my kids, I got stuck at the stump part. I remember veering
from the storyline and saying aloud . .
. “oh my God, I am the stump.”
That book has been on our bookshelf since 1986
but I’m not sure I ever read it to my kids again because shortly after that
“aha” day, I realized that I would never be able to serenely accept my
husband’s incapacity to give and our marriage ended in divorce.
The message of that book has rolled around in my brain for
nearly 30 years now. Most likely, we all have found ourselves in relationships
that require lopsided giving. It is
better to give than to receive, right? The challenge for me in all of these
relationships has been to maintain the tenets of my faith but change or end the
relationship before I’m the stump. The Giving Tree parable ends with the
boy, who is now an old man, coming back to the tree stump because he doesn’t
need much anymore except a place to sit.
The tree is happy and content again.
I admit that the parable of The
Giving Tree was lost on me because I just didn’t want to be the stump who
was happy to just have someone sit on me.
Sorry Shel.
So back to this year.
Would Mother Teresa have applied her words, “give until it hurts” to
relationships as well? We are called to
love and to show it by giving patience and kindness. We are called to rejoice in truth not
unrighteousness and we aren’t supposed to focus on hurts or wrongs that are
suffered. We are taught that love bears,
believes, hopes and endures all things.
We are also taught that love is not jealous or arrogant and that it
doesn’t seek its own or act unbecomingly.
What happens when you are the giving and loving one and you run into the
one who is exhibiting all those things that love and giving are not? What are
we called to do when we run into a person who will cut you down to a stump and
won’t even come back to sit on you except to gloat? And
what if that person is a member of our family? Can we walk away from those
relationships and still be a person of faith with a clear conscience?
Admittedly, my thoughts on this are sometimes murky at best because they are mired in very deep emotions. I don’t profess to have it figured out, but I try to walk through these problems with balance
and fairness. Everyday in my office, I
counsel kids who are givers and kids who are takers. I do my best to teach them the tenets of
character (and in my mind’s eye…faith) that will help them grow to be an adult
who is able to give and love in genuine ways.
But I also have to teach them how to navigate life without becoming a
stump that has nothing to give because everything has been taken from them –
tough line to walk.
It’s a fact that the world is full of givers and takers – in childhood and in adulthood. The sad reality is that there are broken people in the world who may always remain broken but I don’t believe we are called to fix them or enable them to continue being takers. For some people, giving more will not teach them to give – it only gives them the opportunity to take more. For me, this is one of the most difficult facts of life to accept because I’m a fixer at heart. I want to be surrounded by all the joys of life and I want everyone that I love to experience that as well.
Even though 2013 has been a year of some pretty significant
losses, it has also been a year of love, laughter, joy, and many opportunities
to watch God’s miracles unfold. Thank
you to everyone who has been part of the miracle and who have said yes to
giving generously. Some of those
miracles reminded me that we miss so much when we don’t keep our eyes and
hearts open to seeing and believing but
rather get bogged down in some of the sadness of life. During
this Advent season, may you be blessed with the vision of a child’s eyes, the
joy that abides in the heart of a true giver, and the peace that comes from
always trying to do your best with those you encounter.
By the way, if you google “The Giving Tree,” lots of things
come up that are kind of interesting.
First of all, this picture comes up that is NOT in the book. The thought about loving him more than she
loved herself has been added by someone to the original artwork and it wasn’t
part of Shel Silverstein’s verse.
Oddly enough, while doing this “after the thought/writing”
research for this blog, I discovered a brand new song released about a month ago by the Plain White T’s that mirrors my “stump
aha moment.” I don’t feel so badly now about missing Shel’s point of the book
in 1986….LOL – at least I’m not the only one. And I'm not the only mom who read the book to her kids. Here is a link to the video of the song (sorry for the
ad).
If all you wanted was love
Why would you use me up
Cut me down, build a boat, and sail away
When all I wanted to be was your giving tree
Settle down, build a home, and make you happy?
Is it possible to be "a giving tree" and be happy? Of course it is, but as you can see from this beautiful necklace, only if you are full and complete with your leaves, apples, branches, and roots because that's really the only time you can truly give.
If you’ve never read The Giving Tree, here is a link to a
video of the entire book, rather nicely done:
And here is a link to the online donation site for St. Jude's. I love St. Jude's and over the years, we have had some students who were recipients of their research and generosity. If you didn't know it, they don't bill children for their services so all donations go 100% to care and research. It's really a great hospital to donate to.
And you have to love the way Marlo carries on her dad's work so gallantly. Here's a video of Marlo and Jimmy Fallon and the kids at St. Jude's - precious:
